Friday, December 10, 2004
We at Hazleton Pravda wish everyone a happy upcoming holiday, excepting those holding local government offices, those involved with CANT DO, all the upper management and owners of factories in Valmont, Humbolt, Crestwood or otherwise and those that contribute in any way to the grayness of the Hazleton area. Gee, that doesn’t leave too many of you left to wish seasons greetings too, does it? Just the throgs of slaving masses!
Well, for all of the masses of Hazleton try to enjoy the holidays. And to our loyal fans and aquatinted or casual readers we’d like to remind you to check out our first Pravda Poll survey. Take a moment to look to your right and vote. We’d really like to hear your opinions.
--Thanks the staff of Hazleton Pravda!
Survey: Nurses tops in honesty, car salesmen last
CNN reports on a survey by Gallup's annual U.S. survey of professions denoting a poll with some very interesting results. Amazingly policemen and clergy were ranked fairly high at numbers 6 & 7 respectively. I would suspect that that survey was not taken here in the *trumpets please* GREATER HAZLETON AREA! Cops aren’t honest in Hazleton. They are REALLY not honest if they are from these smaller towns. Freaks in Weatherly getting stoned on evidence drugs; freaks late of Freeland pulling woman over for sexual favors (see Mahalik (spelling notwithstanding)). And the clergy…well clergy by their stalwart decision and proclamation that their view of God (or Bog) is the right and only one by definition makes them liars. Well, to be fair organized religion is really a lie in and of itself. Ya gotta donate in the basket every Sunday (or Saturday for good Catholics)* because God/Bog NEEDS your money. I DOUBT THAT VERY MUCH.
I really have a problem with doctors coming in at number 5 for honesty though after that nonsense with them NARKING on their OWN patients specifically against Mr. Keith Emerich. Of course that was specific to Pennsyltucky (as far as WE know!). Hazleton Pravda hopes that Mr. Emerich has received some REAL justice against the judicial nonsense of losing his license for confiding in his own physician. Doctors who practice this breakage of doctor/patient confidentiality should LOOSE their LICENSE to practice medicine! Unless honesty for doctors means they can’t help but tell all their patients' intimate details to Big Brother then I think that the survey is pretty skewed in this area.
*Note* REALLY good Catholics watch church on Sunday morning from their couch/pews.
XXXpression of Art
The Weekender did a pretty fair and even article about a new pictorial (?) book showcasing pornstars called “XXX: Thirty Porn Star Portraits.” This is one of the best articles done by the Weekender since that great one about the Hedgehog: Ron Jeremy over the summer. Check that one out on the Weekender site too!
It’s good to see porn getting its due, especially if the local church-ies and all the soccer moms around here get offended.
The staff of Hazleton Pravda congratulates the Weekender on doing some of the only DECENT journalism that gets distributed around Hazleton, besides Hazleton Pravda, of course!
One question remains though: Did the Hedgehog grace the pages of this book? Inquiring freaks wanna know? And if so, was his a fold-out?
Schuylkill Plus Notes Many Pottsville Xmas Events
There are a lot of fundraisers, winter concerts and other holiday events being sponsored in the Schuylkill area this month. That’s why Panorama has been talking again about nonsense like the history of Geisinger because folks, there’s no community in Hazleton. But there are geriatrics who are dying to tell ya about days gone by xmases with coal in their stockings and frostbite stories. Or just dying.
You have to stop a moment (all fun bashing Panorama aside) and note how little community this town of Hazleton has, even around xmas. Let's all make an effort to change that. All people seem worried about is getting to Wal-Mart ahead of the next guy so that they can get the latest power-whats-it toy or the strike off another gift on the list. There’s no cheer. Everyone try to remember that Christmas is supposed to be about family and good will. When the weather sets in lend a neighborly hand, or just say Merry Xmas (or Christmas) to someone instead of rushing to get to the checkout line first. Throw that copy of Panorama on top of the Yule log and hold a loved one close as that idiotic publication crinkles up and burns (Sorry—Just had to get another jab in!).
And have a Merry Christmas –everyone.
“Honey, throw another Panoramy on the fire. I feel a chill.”
Food for Thought from the Other Pravda Meat & Potatoes
Just a quick nod to our Russian counterpart Pravda RU—sort of—and their own mention of giving thought to a wider scoop of things around the holidays. –Plus THEY go on at length about UFOs too! Check it out in their archives.
Cadaver Dog Noses Fire Scene
Poor dog. Bet he misses being on the drug squad now! Why the Hell do we even HAVE cadaver dogs and for that matter drug dogs? This is Hazleton, not Columbia for gawd sake!
Sybertsville Standoff Ends in Death
Sounds like another case of area police driving people to their deaths. However, to be fair (as Hazleton Pravda tries its best to be) we will wait for more details and keep our readers informed as we learn more.
West Hazleton Rescinds Yard Sale Ordinance
Well, good. There’s no reason local government should dip their hands into your wallet for something you do on your own damn property! Next you'll need a permit to have a cookout! We the common people can't help it if everything around here is so depressed that local offices are practically shut down for lack of funds. Kick out CANT DO and get some money flowing INTO the area for a change!
Well, for all of the masses of Hazleton try to enjoy the holidays. And to our loyal fans and aquatinted or casual readers we’d like to remind you to check out our first Pravda Poll survey. Take a moment to look to your right and vote. We’d really like to hear your opinions.
--Thanks the staff of Hazleton Pravda!
Survey: Nurses tops in honesty, car salesmen last
CNN reports on a survey by Gallup's annual U.S. survey of professions denoting a poll with some very interesting results. Amazingly policemen and clergy were ranked fairly high at numbers 6 & 7 respectively. I would suspect that that survey was not taken here in the *trumpets please* GREATER HAZLETON AREA! Cops aren’t honest in Hazleton. They are REALLY not honest if they are from these smaller towns. Freaks in Weatherly getting stoned on evidence drugs; freaks late of Freeland pulling woman over for sexual favors (see Mahalik (spelling notwithstanding)). And the clergy…well clergy by their stalwart decision and proclamation that their view of God (or Bog) is the right and only one by definition makes them liars. Well, to be fair organized religion is really a lie in and of itself. Ya gotta donate in the basket every Sunday (or Saturday for good Catholics)* because God/Bog NEEDS your money. I DOUBT THAT VERY MUCH.
I really have a problem with doctors coming in at number 5 for honesty though after that nonsense with them NARKING on their OWN patients specifically against Mr. Keith Emerich. Of course that was specific to Pennsyltucky (as far as WE know!). Hazleton Pravda hopes that Mr. Emerich has received some REAL justice against the judicial nonsense of losing his license for confiding in his own physician. Doctors who practice this breakage of doctor/patient confidentiality should LOOSE their LICENSE to practice medicine! Unless honesty for doctors means they can’t help but tell all their patients' intimate details to Big Brother then I think that the survey is pretty skewed in this area.
*Note* REALLY good Catholics watch church on Sunday morning from their couch/pews.
XXXpression of Art
The Weekender did a pretty fair and even article about a new pictorial (?) book showcasing pornstars called “XXX: Thirty Porn Star Portraits.” This is one of the best articles done by the Weekender since that great one about the Hedgehog: Ron Jeremy over the summer. Check that one out on the Weekender site too!
It’s good to see porn getting its due, especially if the local church-ies and all the soccer moms around here get offended.
The staff of Hazleton Pravda congratulates the Weekender on doing some of the only DECENT journalism that gets distributed around Hazleton, besides Hazleton Pravda, of course!
One question remains though: Did the Hedgehog grace the pages of this book? Inquiring freaks wanna know? And if so, was his a fold-out?
Schuylkill Plus Notes Many Pottsville Xmas Events
There are a lot of fundraisers, winter concerts and other holiday events being sponsored in the Schuylkill area this month. That’s why Panorama has been talking again about nonsense like the history of Geisinger because folks, there’s no community in Hazleton. But there are geriatrics who are dying to tell ya about days gone by xmases with coal in their stockings and frostbite stories. Or just dying.
You have to stop a moment (all fun bashing Panorama aside) and note how little community this town of Hazleton has, even around xmas. Let's all make an effort to change that. All people seem worried about is getting to Wal-Mart ahead of the next guy so that they can get the latest power-whats-it toy or the strike off another gift on the list. There’s no cheer. Everyone try to remember that Christmas is supposed to be about family and good will. When the weather sets in lend a neighborly hand, or just say Merry Xmas (or Christmas) to someone instead of rushing to get to the checkout line first. Throw that copy of Panorama on top of the Yule log and hold a loved one close as that idiotic publication crinkles up and burns (Sorry—Just had to get another jab in!).
And have a Merry Christmas –everyone.
“Honey, throw another Panoramy on the fire. I feel a chill.”
Food for Thought from the Other Pravda Meat & Potatoes
Just a quick nod to our Russian counterpart Pravda RU—sort of—and their own mention of giving thought to a wider scoop of things around the holidays. –Plus THEY go on at length about UFOs too! Check it out in their archives.
Cadaver Dog Noses Fire Scene
Poor dog. Bet he misses being on the drug squad now! Why the Hell do we even HAVE cadaver dogs and for that matter drug dogs? This is Hazleton, not Columbia for gawd sake!
Sybertsville Standoff Ends in Death
Sounds like another case of area police driving people to their deaths. However, to be fair (as Hazleton Pravda tries its best to be) we will wait for more details and keep our readers informed as we learn more.
West Hazleton Rescinds Yard Sale Ordinance
Well, good. There’s no reason local government should dip their hands into your wallet for something you do on your own damn property! Next you'll need a permit to have a cookout! We the common people can't help it if everything around here is so depressed that local offices are practically shut down for lack of funds. Kick out CANT DO and get some money flowing INTO the area for a change!
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Hazleton Pravda would like all viewers (fans or otherwise) to take the time to vote on our newly installed poll to the right of the screen. Hazleton Pravda hopes to have a new poll each month about our favorite city to leave, Hazleton! Thanks for stopping by. Leave a donation too dammit! We need money so we can leave!
Begging for Fuel Oil Update:
CEO or Commission on Economic Opportunity is still handing out free fuel. This is one of the VERY few things in Hazleton worth looking into. All signs point to us having a very bad winter, so if you can qualify for fuel help, then do it! Call 570-455-4994. Do it today!
New Time-Share Scam at Split Rock
Yes sir, there’s a new scam out there to rope people into bad bad naughty time-shares at the dump resort of Split Rock. Now, you can get any number of prizes for showing up and being pestered into giving away your hard-earned money. According to their latest mail out card, the stuff they’re giving away equals over $1000! Well, maybe if one person got all the $1 dollar gifts at once, then maybe it would equal out to a grand!
People don’t waste yer time. Time-shares at Split Rock or any other Vacation Charters owned places has got to be worth like negative money (even by Hazleton standards!). Did ya ever get a look inside a Split Rock villa or hotel room? They’re just dumps. And the people presenting you with their GOOD DEAL are angry chain-smoking people who are themselves caught up in the scheme and forced to bother people like you and me so that they can get back at LEAST what they themselves put into the whole blundering affair. Stay away from Split Rock and Vacation Charters!
WVIA Begs, I Mean Rides Again!
Well, the holiday season is here and those poor people at WVIA have once again took stock of their worn out building insulation made up of twenty, fifty and one-hundred dollar bills. It’s getting cold at WVIA so due to the fact that they have to burn extra greenbacks (that’s what happens to the ones and fives) in the building furnace they need more of YOUR money, because it’s important to support WVIA programming. And the fire’s getting low. George Washington goes up like a pile of leaves! Remember, your support puts on that one show a month at 3AM that actually has some value or merit, but it also helps to allow them to waste broadcasting time with antique junk shows and auctions that go on for days at a time. Good quality Pennsyltucky programming!
Possible Torture Chamber Found in Iraq
CANT DO Spies Opportunity! Newer better ways are coming to light for the human resource departments at all CANT DO facilities for the hiring and detaining of prisoners….I mean ASSOCIATES. Go to CANT DO and get gulaged! Is ‘gulaged’ even a word?
Mayor Proposes New Cop Tax
Yep, this will help make Hazleton an even more oppressed place to leave…I mean live. Hazleton needs more cops like CANT DO needs more money. When are the powers that be gonna realize that crime wouldn’t be going up if people didn’t have to slave in factories or be out of work depressed and starving. If there was work, people would be working. Since there is nothing and that nothing is even getting smaller, then people are FORCED to do what they must to survive. Stupid Hazleton!
Local Developers Respond to Forbes Article
‘Statistics do not tell the whole story of doing business in northeastern Pennsylvania’ say CANT DO officials. Ha-ha! Another true story leaked out to the real press (NOT the Standard Speaker) and CANT DO got pissed! Fuck them. Statistics don’t tell the whole story? That’s because unlike the Nazis who ran the death camps of Germany, CANT DO officials don’t keep good documentation of the horrors they inflict on Hazleton’s slave labor quotient. The Forbes story listed Pennsylvania 45th out of 50 states for doing business and CANT DO has to INSTRUCT the Standard Speaker to write an article saying, ‘…oh, it’s not so bad in Hazleton. Here look at all these numbers and stats that WE found saying how bright and sunny the slate banks make it!’
‘I really love it when the truth gets out there about Hazleton!’ –Editor Gombeggar.
'I love it when a plan comes together!' Hannibal from the A-Team!
Penn State Campus Injects $60M/Year into Local Economy
Huh? Do college students working at Applebees or Damon’s really make that much? Oh, wait. I get it. That’s how much Penn State fleeces students and pays kickbacks to the powers that be in Hazleton.
Red-faced Media Correct Rogers Story
The Standard Speaker…boy sure is a lot of dumb stuff to say about those boneheads today…are all proud of themselves because FOR ONCE they didn’t make the mistake, the AP did…or so the Speaker says. I still think there was a riot over the Kenny Rogers book signing, only because that guy from MaddTv, Will Sasso wasn’t there to do his drunken insane impersonation of Kenny. A lot of people in Hazleton might NOT know that on MaddTv, Sasso is doing an impersonation. That could have a lot of people confused around here. ‘Why ain’t he drinkin? Er throwin a bat at peoplez?’
So pat yerself on the back Speaker that’s one up for you after like a million convoluted and outrageously incorrect news reporting (said laughingly).
Panorama Drops FUN Daytrips with Neil Rodino?
Where are all the exciting stories about driving over Stockton Mountain with Neil Rodino? Or how about a day in Treskow with Neil Rodino? Followed by 'This is what Neil Rodino spat on us during dinner at the Ovalon'. All those good meat & potato stories are being lost in the latest Panorama issue replaced by dead people and the Christmases that Alzheimer’s took away! The staff of Hazleton Pravda feels very cheated! There wasn’t even a ‘Neil Rodino Is Taller Than Sam Lasante By ¼ of an Inch’ story! Again note there is (thankfully) no Panorama website, yet. But if there aver is Hazleton Pravda will let our loyal readers (and everyone else) know just how great it ain’t!
Fire in the Sky
Another building goes up in smoke in Hazleton? Sounds like Deigo-Lightning. After all the insurance money is collected and the kickbacks are sent out for Christmas, I wonder what they’ll put there...another police kiosk? Or a flop house like the one near the library? I think we just got our next poll question!
CEO or Commission on Economic Opportunity is still handing out free fuel. This is one of the VERY few things in Hazleton worth looking into. All signs point to us having a very bad winter, so if you can qualify for fuel help, then do it! Call 570-455-4994. Do it today!
New Time-Share Scam at Split Rock
Yes sir, there’s a new scam out there to rope people into bad bad naughty time-shares at the dump resort of Split Rock. Now, you can get any number of prizes for showing up and being pestered into giving away your hard-earned money. According to their latest mail out card, the stuff they’re giving away equals over $1000! Well, maybe if one person got all the $1 dollar gifts at once, then maybe it would equal out to a grand!
People don’t waste yer time. Time-shares at Split Rock or any other Vacation Charters owned places has got to be worth like negative money (even by Hazleton standards!). Did ya ever get a look inside a Split Rock villa or hotel room? They’re just dumps. And the people presenting you with their GOOD DEAL are angry chain-smoking people who are themselves caught up in the scheme and forced to bother people like you and me so that they can get back at LEAST what they themselves put into the whole blundering affair. Stay away from Split Rock and Vacation Charters!
WVIA Begs, I Mean Rides Again!
Well, the holiday season is here and those poor people at WVIA have once again took stock of their worn out building insulation made up of twenty, fifty and one-hundred dollar bills. It’s getting cold at WVIA so due to the fact that they have to burn extra greenbacks (that’s what happens to the ones and fives) in the building furnace they need more of YOUR money, because it’s important to support WVIA programming. And the fire’s getting low. George Washington goes up like a pile of leaves! Remember, your support puts on that one show a month at 3AM that actually has some value or merit, but it also helps to allow them to waste broadcasting time with antique junk shows and auctions that go on for days at a time. Good quality Pennsyltucky programming!
Possible Torture Chamber Found in Iraq
CANT DO Spies Opportunity! Newer better ways are coming to light for the human resource departments at all CANT DO facilities for the hiring and detaining of prisoners….I mean ASSOCIATES. Go to CANT DO and get gulaged! Is ‘gulaged’ even a word?
Mayor Proposes New Cop Tax
Yep, this will help make Hazleton an even more oppressed place to leave…I mean live. Hazleton needs more cops like CANT DO needs more money. When are the powers that be gonna realize that crime wouldn’t be going up if people didn’t have to slave in factories or be out of work depressed and starving. If there was work, people would be working. Since there is nothing and that nothing is even getting smaller, then people are FORCED to do what they must to survive. Stupid Hazleton!
Local Developers Respond to Forbes Article
‘Statistics do not tell the whole story of doing business in northeastern Pennsylvania’ say CANT DO officials. Ha-ha! Another true story leaked out to the real press (NOT the Standard Speaker) and CANT DO got pissed! Fuck them. Statistics don’t tell the whole story? That’s because unlike the Nazis who ran the death camps of Germany, CANT DO officials don’t keep good documentation of the horrors they inflict on Hazleton’s slave labor quotient. The Forbes story listed Pennsylvania 45th out of 50 states for doing business and CANT DO has to INSTRUCT the Standard Speaker to write an article saying, ‘…oh, it’s not so bad in Hazleton. Here look at all these numbers and stats that WE found saying how bright and sunny the slate banks make it!’
‘I really love it when the truth gets out there about Hazleton!’ –Editor Gombeggar.
'I love it when a plan comes together!' Hannibal from the A-Team!
Penn State Campus Injects $60M/Year into Local Economy
Huh? Do college students working at Applebees or Damon’s really make that much? Oh, wait. I get it. That’s how much Penn State fleeces students and pays kickbacks to the powers that be in Hazleton.
Red-faced Media Correct Rogers Story
The Standard Speaker…boy sure is a lot of dumb stuff to say about those boneheads today…are all proud of themselves because FOR ONCE they didn’t make the mistake, the AP did…or so the Speaker says. I still think there was a riot over the Kenny Rogers book signing, only because that guy from MaddTv, Will Sasso wasn’t there to do his drunken insane impersonation of Kenny. A lot of people in Hazleton might NOT know that on MaddTv, Sasso is doing an impersonation. That could have a lot of people confused around here. ‘Why ain’t he drinkin? Er throwin a bat at peoplez?’
So pat yerself on the back Speaker that’s one up for you after like a million convoluted and outrageously incorrect news reporting (said laughingly).
Panorama Drops FUN Daytrips with Neil Rodino?
Where are all the exciting stories about driving over Stockton Mountain with Neil Rodino? Or how about a day in Treskow with Neil Rodino? Followed by 'This is what Neil Rodino spat on us during dinner at the Ovalon'. All those good meat & potato stories are being lost in the latest Panorama issue replaced by dead people and the Christmases that Alzheimer’s took away! The staff of Hazleton Pravda feels very cheated! There wasn’t even a ‘Neil Rodino Is Taller Than Sam Lasante By ¼ of an Inch’ story! Again note there is (thankfully) no Panorama website, yet. But if there aver is Hazleton Pravda will let our loyal readers (and everyone else) know just how great it ain’t!
Fire in the Sky
Another building goes up in smoke in Hazleton? Sounds like Deigo-Lightning. After all the insurance money is collected and the kickbacks are sent out for Christmas, I wonder what they’ll put there...another police kiosk? Or a flop house like the one near the library? I think we just got our next poll question!
